Dear Algorithm,

Do you think if Tyrande had gotten with Illidan the events of TBC would never have happened?

-Jamuna, Forum, 12/03/2008

In order to answer your question better, I consulted the Bronze Dragonflight, or, as I affectionately refer to them: ‘The Fortune Cookie Gurus.’ As the aspects of time and alternate realities, they seem to have a pretty good handle on the ‘what if’ department. I ported myself to Dragonblight to ask Chromie, my gnomie homie, your question.

Before we get to that, two side notes on the Chromster:

1. Chromie’s hair is shaped like cinnamon buns, and it makes me giggle.
2. Chromie does NOT stop talking. You ask a simple question, and you get this huuuuge blog post… I mean lecture… you get a huge LECTURE.

TD;DR version:

Chromie told me the story of Illidan, Malfurion and Tyrande. It’s about elves, eternal love and trees. /gag.

It doesn’t have pirates, robots, demons or anything. Total bore fest. I might be missing a few crucial details. I stopped paying attention about halfway through and started staring at Chromie’s cinnamon buns.

The ones in her hair, you perv.

Anyway, basically… if Tyrande had gotten with Illidan: yes, the events of ‘The Burning Crusade’ wouldn’t have happened. BUT, as it turns out, we’d be a lot worse off.

A lady in the street, but a freak in the bed

Tyrande Whisperwind – High Priestess of Elune (Head priest chick). Current head of the night elf government.

Malfurion Stormrage - Powerful Archdruid. Currently seeing Tyrande Whisperwind (when he isn’t meditating about nature).

Illidan Stormrage - Powerful Sorcerer turned demon. Frequently misunderstood anti-hero, who eventually goes insane and becomes a full fledged villain. Currently Dead. His history includes several books, Warcraft 3, Warcraft 3 expansion, and lots of stuff in The Burning Crusade.

Malfurion Stormrage and Illidan Stormrage are brothers (their last name? not a coincidence!). They both liked Tyrande, and fought for her love. To win her over, Illidan became a rich politician and a powerful sorcerer. He started hanging out with the popular kids. He hit the gym.

While many OTHER chicks (including the Queen, Azshara, herself)  swooned over Illidan, he was unsatisfied. Tyrande’s crotch was Illidan’s Emerald Dream.

What he didn’t know, though, is that he didn’t stand a chance.

Malfurion: "Now, here's my scandal: When I transform, I just can't help myself, I'm acting like an animal."

You see, Tyrande was really into violent sex, and Malfurion had that department covered. As a powerful druid, Malfurion could turn into a wide variety of feral animals. In the end, for Tyrande, the brother that could bash and frenzy won out. Illidan watched his dream girl run into the arms of his sexually deviant, part-tree brother, and lost it.

OK. Fine. Chromie said something about Malfurion having inner strength or something. We ALL know what that means. I’m just here to make it a little less dry.

The first fall of The Betrayer

Sensitive Illidan felt incredibly rejected, and he just didn’t get over it. He forgot all about his M.A.R.E. (Magic Abuse Resistance Education) classes, and got into magic. It wasn’t long before he was doing ley lines off in the alley behind the world tree.

Once addicted to magic, Illidan made several questionable decisions. The next thing he knew, he was incarcerated for 10k years. The whole experience left him exceptionally spiteful and insane. Between magic addiction, spite and insanity, Illidan became the villain we all know and love.

Bizarro, I love you; I love you, Bizarro

Chromie was sort of annoyed when I started asking about Bizarro world (where Tyrande <3 Illidan). Of course, she could also have also been annoyed, because I was making eye contact with her hair… or because I asked if Tyrande was eventually going to hook up with a robot (It doesn’t happen. I asked in every conceivable way possible).

I wonder if Chromie’s hair takes like two hours to braid in the morning? Maybe she just set up her hair once, and hasn’t washed it since? OMG. Ewwwww

So, hypathetically, what if Tyrande had liked Illidan? Well, with Tyrande to boost his self esteem, Illidan would have been very happy. He would have spent his Friday afternoons writing love poems. On Saturdays, he would have played hacky sack on the quad with his bro’s who were also getting some. Saturday night, Illidan would have eaten copious amounts of whipped cream off Tyrande’s chest. He might have gotten a gut from it. He definitely would have gotten off from it.

However, what Illidan would NOT have done is save the world. Illidan does the following things that are incredibly beneficial to us:

1. He saves vials of eternity, which are used to create the second world tree. The second world tree is then used to defeat Archimonde, and stop the Burning Legion from invading Azeroth in Warcraft 3.
2. He nom noms on the Skull of Gul’dan, and defeats Tichondrius, which also helps slow down the Burning Legion.
3. He consolidates power within Outland, which weakens the Burning Legion’s hold on Outland.
4. He foolishly attacks Shattrath City, which causes the Blood Elf Scryers to join the Naaru of Shattrath (and betray Prince Kael’thas Sunstrider). If the Blood Elves had not defected, they could have been part of the Prince’s ultimate plan to aid the Burning Legion (Sunwell).

So, if Illidan had gotten laid, I would be a chew toy for the demons that would currently inhabit Azeroth.

<pause>

I’d like to take a moment to thank cock blocks everywhere.

Causation does not imply correlation

Basically, Azeroth has been dangerously close to destruction hundreds of times. In terms of grim alternate realities, we’re actually in one of the best possible universes.  One where clams stack, and the same stash of goods can be accessed from dozens of locations!

Throughout Warcraft history, one evil has kept another in check and taken the pressure off of the good guys. Illidan is one such evil. Another example is the frequent fighting of the Burning Legion and the Scourge.

One of the best illustrations is the ‘Opening of the Dark Portal’ in the Caverns of Time. Many people ask: “Why are we helping Medivh let an endless stream of blood thirsty orcs into Azeroth?” Apparently, some whiners don’t see this as a fantastic idea.

Well, the orc invasion for the humans is sort of like Pearl Harbor for the United States. After the orcs attacked, the humans got their shit together. They pay their utility bills on time. They remember to buy their significant other flowers. They sign up for classes to get an associate’s degree.

The orc-human war creates heroic leaders, gives the humans fighting experience and develops military infrastructure. Afterward, the resulting human force is able to fend off the Burning Legion. Eventually, humans were even able to tackle more serious threats: email spam, frivolous lawsuits and gay marriage.

Feeling GaSSI?

Since Illidan’s self sacrifice was so successful in saving the world, there is significant debate as to whether it is OK to make sacrifices ‘for the greater good.’ A good counter example to Illidan is Arthas.

I only mention this so-called ‘academic debate,’ because I am taking this class at the Gnomantities and Social Science Institute (GaSSI). It covers these sorts of ‘moral dilemmas.’ It’s taught by this uppity Night Elf. I signed up for it, because there was this cute gnome girl in it!

Of course, when they started talking about ‘Using Technology Responsibly,’ I want to gouge my eyes out.

Stay the fuck away from my machines, you filthy hippies.

If a rogue complains about a DK being OP- does anyone listen?

-Yoyao, E-mail, 12/09/2008

As we enter Arena Season 5, I suspected I might get a PvP question. Yoyao has delivered. I sometimes ponder what would happen if I could somehow convince people that it is Robot Season Omega Z. Would I get robot questions? How awesome would that be?

Anyway, the short answer is yes. Some people listen when rogues complain about Death Knights. But… why?

Scoundrel Stereotypes

In order to answer this, let’s start our journey by taking a look at the different varieties of rogues. There are two types. Talent specialization is irrelevant.

1. Pirate rogues
Pirates grab any two sharp objects, and start hacking/slashing at the nearest scurvy dog. These rogues find ‘stealth’ slow and cumbersome. They love dangerous adventures, swashbuckling and screaming “YEARGH!” They take frequent breaks for massive gulps of rum. Pirates are the prime financial supporters of orc wenches in Dalaran. They’re fun and lovable for the most part, but they do have enemies. Pirates are constantly having run ins with the Booty Bay housing board. They’re also a target group for ACOSTeD (Azeroth Center Of Sexually TransmittEd Diseases). To complete most critter achievements, they merely have to get naked, and use the crabs… too far? OK.

2. Ninja rogues
Ninja rogues are like a painful zit under the elastic part of your Gnomish Utility Belt. They are a chronic, unavoidable, annoying pain. They haxx. They steal loot. They support gold farmers. They have no soul. They secretly serve the Burning Legion… and the Lich King…and server lag. Ninja rogues are sociopathic, racist, vindictive, whiny, cruel, unfair, and, most importantly, overpowered. No, this isn’t an unfair generalization. All of them.

Everyone hates ninjas.

The sound of a ninja’s stealth, heard just before the opening salvo, is the most ominous and foreboding sound in the universe. In the next few moments, you will be an incapacitated mannequin. Each rogue ability makes a piercing noise that compresses hours of ‘noob crying’ into a audible flash of screeching hate.

Ninjas hack at the will to live itself. They offer an elaborate, soul-crushing death. In fact, the demise at the hands of a ninja is really only quick when compared to the inevitably tedious corpse run. Feeble escape attempts are like the flails of a crawdad as it hovers over boiling water.

What’s not to love?… You know… assuming you also like swimming in a lake of feces and rusty razorblades…

And in this corner…

World of Warcraft, of course,  doesn’t just have one villain.

While many people hate (ninja) rogues, people ALSO hate Death Knights.  Let me lay out a few common scenarios for you.

You’re in Alterac Valley. You start off a comfortable distance away from the front lines. A swarm of angry horde inches forward, and a Death Knight gets in range. Suddenly, you’re mid-air… flying towards a throng of bloodthirsty ninjas.  Not even CTRL+ALT+DELETE can’t save you now.

Scenario #2. You concocted some elaborate way to kill the Death Knight. It involved explosives and gnomish technology. Your underdog win was a one- in-a-million victory. Hooray! The Death Knight is down. You make a horrible cheesy joke, and suavely turn to kiss the beautiful robotic heroine… then, the music changes. Panic sets in. Suddenly, you’re rushed by a tattered, ruthless zombie.

OMFG. DIE ALREADY.

'Cause this Is Thriller, Thriller Night and No-ones Gonna Save You from the Beast about Strike.

United by H8

By the time Wrath came out, some of us had finally come to terms with the constant agony of dealing with rogues. As we began the expansion, we were comfortable with the fear and dread of ninjas. Then, Death Knights were introduced. Now, there is a new, bigger zit on the other side of the utility belt. They are the new kids on the block. They Got It (The Right Stuff).

And the reason this is relevant is that rogues can commiserate with us about our new enemies. Rogues are no longer the top of the overpowered-psychopathic-serial-killer ‘food chain.’ We are united in our common despair over Death Knights. In fact, rogues probably hate them more than us, since Death Knights threaten rogue dominance of the “Domain of Douchebaggery.” If Rogues are Woody, Death Knights are the Buzz Lightyear of Wrath of the Lich King.

In the upcoming Robot Season Omega Z awards, Death Knights got nominated for “Most Evil Pwner.” Yes, that’s right. Robot Season Omega Z is this week. No, really *cough* Put it on your calendars. I know it’s the same week as Christmas. It’s freaking robots! Who cares about Santa?

Unfortunately, while some rogues (the pirates) choose to join us in victimized sorrow, others (ninjas) are out there overcompensating.

Uhhhh, in fact, I would argue that ninja rogues are still the masters (asshats) of terror. I say this, of course, because if I ever dare take their throne awa, I’m not sure if one is going to shadow step behind me …

Summary

Why we care…

• Pirate rogues are generally nice guys.
• We all share the common enemy: Death Knights, and can bitch about them in unison.
• This week is Robot Season Omega Z.

Ninja Myths (Bonus Feature)

• Ninjas are NOT mammals
• Ninjas do not fight ALL the time. They spend most of their time waiting for cool downs to come up.
• The purpose of the ninja is IN FACT to flip out and kill people

whats the deal with the mogaines, and why haven’t i seen them on jerry springer yet?
-Sprsmoothe, Forum, 12/01/2008

OK, that is a really loaded question.

To answer this one with my ‘Algorithm Thoroughness,” it’s going to take a while.  Of course, as always, it’s totally worth your time! A fabulous tale of death and betrayal!

Then again… if you’re just here for the tits? GTFO

The Mograine Bunch

Here’s the story,
Of a lovely lady,
Who had virtually no plot of her own.
Mentioned once in the comic
As the mother,
She’s named through her gravestone

Here’s the story,
Of a man named Mograine,
Who was busy with two boys of his own
All three were good, then turn evil
And they each get pwn’d.

Screw Jerry. This is a citcom in the making!
So, anyway. For those of you counting, that makes a wife (who is dead), a father, and two sons.

• Alexandros, paterfamilias. He’s famous, because he founded the Scarlet Crusade.
• Renault, Alexandros’ first son. He is the end boss of Scarlet Monestary.
• Darion, Alexandros’ second son. He is the head of Knights of the Ebon Hand.
• Elena, Alexandros’ bizznizzy. She died from complications during Darion’s birth. Her doctor was in the middle of a Molten Core raid. You know how it is…

Alexandros, A Life Not So Aquatic

During the Second War, Alexandros Mograine is paladin of the Silver Hand, and an Alliance Soldier. The second war was against the orcs, and is the setting for Warcraft 2. Anyway, during the war, Alexandros finds a black orb, which is ‘the embodiment of pure shadow.’

As a side note, I had previously thought the embodiment of pure shadow was the Gnomeregan DMV. I was wrong. It’s a small black orb.

Alexandros touches the ‘the embodiment of pure shadow’ and it mutilates his hand.

OUCH! That hurted me. I wish my wife wasn’t dead. She always used to kiss my boo-boos and make them betters.

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer, are we, Alexandros? Anyway, he wraps the orb in his little blue blankie and takes it home as a souvenir. I guess he either wanted a memento from when his hand got  mangled OR he was planning a cruel practical joke for some unsuspecting ‘friend.’ Hard to say.

Later, after the war, chilling in Southshore, Alexandros shows the orb off to his paladin home boys. Now, it is important to point out: these are paladins. These dudes walk around in pink armor sets. So, when Alexandros pulls out his big black ball, they’re total pansies about it. “OMG! EWWWW!”

After several minutes of screeching like 13-year-old girls at a Jonas Brothers concert, they resort to the only thing that paladins really can do. They spam ‘Flash of Light’ at the thing. During the bombardment, the orb transforms from pure shadow into pure light.

With the new, pure light orb, Alexandros’ hand is miraculously healed. He realizes that the new holy orb could prove useful, so he stores it in his blanket for a rainy day.

Enter Rainy Day, Stage Right

And, just when you *thought* the blanket was safe… the undead attack.

Alexandros helps lead an opposition to the undead with his abstinent paladin crew. Today, we know this force as “The Scarlet Crusade.” I think the change from Silver to Scarlet was really that silver was getting boring. Scarlet is just more stylish. I could be wrong. I’d need to double check Vogue Azeroth…

Anyway, in order to fight the undead, Alexandros takes the orb to the king of the dwarves, Magni. He’s all like:

Wouldn’t this thing look awesome floating in the middle of a sword blade?

Yes. Yes, it would. And, so, Magni makes ‘the Ashbringer.’ Nerdgasms are far and wide.

Alexandros becomes a sort of baddass with his new totally OP weapon. Undead turn to ash. There is much rejoicing. Ashbringer YouTube videos show up everywhere. I tried finding some of those videos for you, but all I found was some old song about not giving someone up or hurting them. It was pretty lame.

At this point, I’d like to take an intermission. Get up. Stretch. Readjust your private parts. Also, if you like happy endings… now would be a good time to leave. If you’re planning on staying for the incoming doom, I recommend getting another cup of coffee .

For your coffee choice, I recommend the “Double Ristretto Venti Nonfat Organic Chocolate Brownie Frappuccino Extra Hot with Foam and Whipped Cream Upside Down Double Blended.” So delicious, and it goes well with the story!

Oedipus, Eat Your Heart Out

So, things are going well for Alexandros. He’s owning the undead and racking up mad experience and gold. But, the Burning Legion had other plans.  Dun… dun… dunnn!

During all this YouTubing and Scourge ownage, the Scarlet Crusade leadership gets corrupted behind Alexandros’ back by a dreadlord named Balnazzar. For those of you who don’t recognize the name, you can kill Balnazzar in the Left/West/Living/Scarlet side of Stratholme in the Eastern Plaguelands.

I once called him Balnahizzy. BIG MISTAKE. He got so pissed snot started ejecting from his nose like a deranged rabid dog with a sinus infection. It was seriously disturbing.

Balnazzar identifies Alexandros’ son, Renault, as a weak link, and decides to use the twerp to neutralize daddy. Balnazzar convinces Renault that Alexandros is evil. Then, Balnahizzy… err-Balnazzar promises Renault some ice cream. Not just ice cream, though! He also offers Renault a fast track to power within the Scarlet Crusade. “You can even be the boss of a level 40 dungeon!” Renault accepts. Who wouldn’t? Have you seen the thighs on High Inquisitor Sally Whitemane?

DO WANT.

Renault escorts his father to Strat-homie for their daily Scourge Pwnage. But, this time, Renault pulls a TON of adds. Of course, Alexandros is way too OP. He finishes off all the THOUSANDS of undead. But, after the battle, Alexandros has like no health or mana left. He sits down to drink, to wait for cooldowns, etc. At this moment, Renault sneaks up, grabs his father’s sword and performs a spectacular ambush critical strike.

PWND

Unfortunately for him, Renault’s act of nastiness corrupts the blade. He realizes he cannot use the Ashbringer sword in its suddenly evil state. So, Renault leaves it by his father’s corpse, and tells the Crusade that it has been lost.

Back up in yo ass with the resurrection!

Alexandros, left dead in the middle of Stratholme, gets a ‘res’ from an opposing faction, the Scourge. The resurrection had some strings attached, such as…

• Serving your sworn enemy as a Death Knight for eternity

Other than THAT small caveat… not a bad deal.

For a while, Alexandros, the Death Knight was a boss in the 40-player version of Naxxramus. He used the corrupted version of the sword, the Corrupted Ashbringer. Back when that version of Naxx was still in the game, you could pry the Ashbringer from Alexandros’ cold, dead hands.

My god, isn’t adventuring fun?!

Disappointing Failure Son #2

Darion, Alexandros’ second son, didn’t get to betray and murder his own father. Older brothers get to have all the fun, you know? There is just nothing cool left to accomplish when you’re sloppy seconds.

Like his father, Alexandros, and brother, Renault, Darion started out pretty anti-undead. He fought the scourge, and was pretty into the light. He became a member of the Argent Dawn. You know. All the good guy stuff. Plus, Darion got mad play. I think it is the anime hair, but I don’t know. I’d like to point out that gnomes were the ones that invented the gel he’s using! Darion would be a nobody without gnomish technology.

The next part doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to me, but I’ll explain what I do understand.

Darion somehow gets the Corrupted Ashbringer, his father’s old sword. Maybe he won it in Naxx? Once he gets the sword, Darion plunges the Ashbringer into his own heart.

W.T.F.?

There are a few possible reasons he did this. Darion’s back story is explained in the ongoing WoW comics. At the time of this post, there is only 1 done out of 4. So, the explanation will either be explained in the comic or left  up to the player to decide! Choose your own adventure! Why did Darion do it?

1. Darion wanted to save his father’s soul from the grip of the Lich King, and traded his own soul instead. (Page 34)
2. Darion was a dumbass. I’ll admit it; this was my first reaction. (Page 35)
3. Darion wanted to be with his father in Death, as he could not in life. /emotear (Page 36)
4. The tainted Ashbringer corrupted Darion in the same manner that Frostmourne corrupted Arthas (Page 101)

Anyway, after his suicide, Darion becomes a Death Knight. Not just any Death Knight either, the leader of the Knights of the Ebon Blade, the playable faction. My old crush Weebi is in that faction. Man, she is the hottest Death Knight I have ever… wait… You don’t think she’s sleeping with Darion? I just don’t think I can compete with him. Have you seen the size of his sword?

JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!

Now, I agree, the Mograines probably WOULD make it onto Jerry Springer. But, apparently, A&E offered more money for the rights. There is going to be a full two hour Alexandros “Biography” special. There is a little bit of hold up in production, though. A lot of the investigative journalists they’re sending to interview the scourge are, um, you know… being slaughtered and risen as undead.

Ahh, show business. All the risk, none of the loot.

The Ashbringer…

The rest of this is for those of you are STILL not bored of this topic. My god. You have stamina.

Fun fact one:

One of the confusing things about Alexandros is that his nickname is Ashbringer. So, when other people say Ashbringer, they *could* mean either the sword or the dude. But, since Alexandros has a rather stunningly sexy name, I just refer to him as Alexandros.

Another fun fact:

There is a meme on the general forums for lore nerds. Posts that raise questions that are deemed stupid, obvious or not worth answering (especially those dealing with this topic) frequently get the response:

the Ashbringer…

Wha?

Well, there is a small scripted scene that you can watch in the inn in Southshore when doing the instance Old Hillsbrad (Escape from Durnholde Keep). In it, “the Ashbringer…” is said in awe by several characters.

That’s all for today. This is the longest post by far, and probably the longest I’m ever going to write.

Why can night elves/blood elves/tauren/trolls/dwarves/gnomes/orcs/dranei be death knights?

-Jamuna, Forum, 11/27/2008

The answer is actually rather short and simple. But! I’m making a long post about it anyway!

Oh, stop groaning. It’ll be fun!

Gnome-Bite-Size Answer: Death Knights are former heroes who pledged their souls to the Lich King. The Lich King persuaded these heroes to join the Scourge by offering the heroes immortality or power. Later on, Arthas treats the Death Knights like cannon fodder, and they switch sides again… becoming ex-ex-heroes. Or ‘heroes.’  Since all races in WoW have heroes (even those filthy oafs with tusks), any race can be a Death Knight.

Heroes being Death Knights? What is this? Opposite Day?

How could THAT happen? Well, in preparation for this post, I’ve called up my old college crush, Weebi.

I noticed last week on Facebook that Weebi is now a Death Knight. She als-What? I was only looking her up on Facebook, because she changed her status. And, um, sent me an invite to a group… OK. Fine. AND her profile picture looked really hot. Don’t look at me like that! I wasn’t stalking her!

I’m so very lonely…

Anyway, in a few seconds, Weebi is going to explain how she became a Death Knight in an exclusive interview. And, apparently, she is also going to tell the entire story with interpretive dance. Girl, you are WORKING that leotard by the way. Anyway, as she dances, I’m going to read selected entries from her diary. Reading girl diaries is more fun than reading Ask Algorithm in general, so you should be happy.

“How I b come Death Knight”

by Weebie

1. Hi, my name is Weebi. I am a hero! I love robots, paying my taxes on time, shopping for shoes and missionary sex. I am part of book club that meets in the Stratholme on the third Thursday of every month.
2. Oh no! The Scourge is attacking! I can’t decide if I should do something about it or keep watching America’s Next Top Model…
3. The undead just lit the shoe store on fire! THAT’S IT! Where is my sword?
4. Soooo many undead…This is taking longer than expected…
5. Blood on my shoes. These were so expensive, too.
6. I am getting tired of killing undead.
7. All scourge and no play make Weebi a dull girl.
8. I need to find lipstick to write REDRUM on a mirror.
9. Are the mushrooms laughing at Weebi? Oh, that won’t do. That won’t do at all.
10. Oh, hai thar, Mr. Lich King.
11. Y so srs?
12. Murdering innocent people is fun AND it comes with a free Frogurt?
13. The frogurt is cursed… but delicious.
14. Die ex-BFFs! The last F actually stood for food. SCOURGE FOOD. HAHAHAHAHA
15. OMG! Arthas just betrayed his own Death Knights, and sent us to our deaths! I have to text Becky. She totally saw this coming.
16. This betrayal can only be described in a sudden, spontaneous musical number.
17. That… was… a horrible idea. Death Knights… so bad at singing… my EARS!
18. Enough Singing! Time to get revenge on the Lich King!

So…
I hope that small illustrative story really cleared things up! Either way, things are certainly on the ‘up’ in my pants after Weebi’s dance.

Why are Death Knights members of the Alliance/Horde?

Well, actually, Death Knights SHOULDN’T be a part of the Alliance. They should be their own faction, members of the Knights of the Ebon Blade. For gameplay purposes, instead of being a new, third faction with no healers, Death Knights simply rejoin their previous factions.

Well, there are two reasons people are asking you to heal.

1. You are being asked to heal, because healers are required for 5 man instances and they are hard to find. 
2. People are out to get you, and don’t like you. We like watching you suffer. It’s just that simple.

Healer Shortage

I like math. I’m glad you asked a question where I can use numbers! Unfortunately, when I put on my math hat (+150 math power), it’s time to get SUPER SERIOUS.

The reason I have to get serious is because when I was a young gnome, I was really into math class. Perhaps a little TOO into math class. I frequently submitted non-required papers, such as “What the Pythagorean Theorum means to me.” Apparently, that’s not appreciated in certain school systems, and my teachers looked a little bit like this:

Anyway, now I’m serious about math.  My math homework stopped incorporating lolcats and ninjas. There were tears. I won’t lie.

Let’s get down to business. I’m warning you right now. This post is 4 srs, so if you don’t like estimation and analysis, go collect your things. No, you can’t keep serious bag. I need him for the 4:00 show.

Wake me up when the multiplication is over

For 5 man instances, you need 1 healer. In order for there to be exactly enough healers floating around for 5 mans, 20% of characters would have to be able to heal. 1/5 = .2

20%

That’s the magic number. Remember it; write it down on a piece of paper. Put it in your pocket. DON’T tell me what it is! Oh wait. I already know, don’t I? Whatever. The trick isn’t ruined or anything…

Next, let’s look at WoW census. Here, we can take a look at what % of players play each class.

Class % with healing trees, characters 70+:
Druids: 11%
Paladins: 12%
Shamans: 8%
Priests: 9%
Total: 40%

NOTE: Keep in mind that number will get smaller as more people start Death Knights. At the moment, Death Knights make up only 2% of the population, and I anticipate that number becoming much bigger. People playing a Death Knight are not playing a healer. In short, 40% is probably going to suffer some major shrinkage. Worse than seeing orc chicks naked.

But, that’s just how many people CAN heal. What % of the WoW population are ACTUALLY healers?

Why, Algorithm, I’m glad you asked.

For the time being, let’s make and assumption. Right, I know, when we assume we make an ASS out of U and ME. That joke is sooooo clever. You should start a blog or something… smart ass.

Anyway, let’s *pretend* that people are spread out evenly among their class’s trees. 1/3 of paladins are protection. 1/3 are overpowered. 1/3 spam flash of light. The model based on this assumption henceforth will be called ‘The Leeroy Model.’

<cracks of lightning>

Leeroy Model

% of Healers in WoW:
(.11+.12+.08)*(1/3) + (.09)*(2/3)
= .1633333…
Actual percentage of healers: 16.33(repeating, of course)%

Now, take out the piece of paper in your pocket. OK, I *know* 16.33% isn’t 20%. That’s why it’s a *shortage.*

No, I didn’t mess up the trick. It’s there for comparison. NO! YOU’RE BAD AT MAGIC?!

The Fall of Leeroy

The Leeroy Model is a good estimating the number of healers, but it has its downfalls. One is whelps. Many whelps. Left side! Another pitfall is that it’s a pretty unreasonable to assume that people are distributed evenly among their specs. I would guess that the number of healers is actually smaller. Why?

• PvP viability. Even if there are two PvP specs, ruthless killers will probably pick the DPS PvP tree, since it is easier to solo others as a DPS.
• Solo/Leveling viability. Healing sucks for leveling, so casual players are less likely to be healers.
• The fun factor. Doesn’t this bullet point have an awesome name? I think so. Anyway, staring at health bars, a healer sees less of an instance. Healers also get yelled at when things go wrong in groups. AND, it can have really boring segments where you do nothing at all. Obviously, SOME people like it. Still, the conventional wisdom is that healing is less fun than tunnel-vision exploding a mob.

The combination of 2 and 3 is why, I think, healing is considered a more selfless / ‘team player’ role. And, since WoW players are not selfless, we’ve got a problem!

Kicking Leeroy When He is Down

Another problem here is the fact that <choosing a class that can heal> and <wanting to heal> are correlated. Some people pick to be a healer, and then pick their class. The question is: did they chose to be a shaman or a healer first?

So, the Leeroy Model sucks. It is officially a proven Piece of Kodo Poo… (PoKP)

I went off to internet land to see if I could see-see-see what’s at the bottom of the deep blue sea-sea-sea. And by “deep blue sea-sea-sea,” I mean “what portion of paladins, shamans, priests and druids are specd for healing.” Is it 1/3? It’s true. I speak in RIDDLES.

Talent Chic

I found this site: http://www.talentchic.com/, which shows what are the most popular builds. They scan the armory, and see what talent point allocations are popular. This data is from just before Wrath of the Cuddle King.

The problem here is I didn’t get any numbers from this site. *Sigh* I was so excited about doing math, you know? I even found that “Not amused” backpack. I got out my calculator. I got out the lubrication. It was going to be awesome.

Anyway, even without those sexy numbers, what is there confirms my earlier intuition: healing specs are less popular for ¾ healing classes

• The top 6 priest builds are all shadow
• 4/5 top paladin builds are retribution
• A restoration build isn’t even in the top 10 for shamans
• Druids (pre-Wrath) had many, many popular restoration specs

Conclusion:

• I love healers. I always buy them flowers and leave them adorable text messages. Occasionally, I’ll socket their gear with pretty rocks. Sometimes, I’ll buy them underwear.
• Encourage your friends to heal!
• Roll a healer. Save a life.

Why is Arthas so dumb? When someone was like OH HAI THIS SWORD IN THE ROCK IS EVIL. NOT THE DIET COKE OF EVIL! REAL EVILLLLLLL. DO NOT WANT!Then hes all like, “I can haz eveel sword?”srsly I mean I know hes blonde, but damn.

-Sprsmoothe, Forum, 11/19/2008

Arthas Needed To Represent

Dear AskAlgorithm:

I find that I am slightly disappointed with the Northrend continent. I expected a lot more “frozen tundra, arctic excursion” type zones, and instead I’m given a desert wasteland, and hot springs in Borean Tundra, and a pleasant meadow with a little bit of snow in Howling Fjord.

Do you think there is a greenhouse gas problem going on? Have the gnomes finally gone too far and are causing global warming?

-Choada, Forum, 11/21/2008

First of all, the very idea that gnomes could EVER go too far is preposterous. Absolutely ridiculous. If anything, the gnomes haven’t gone far enough with their mechanical pursuits! Technology can help the environment. Look at Hybrid cars!

For Every Season: Turn, Turn, Turn

Azeroth’s temperature (apparently) doesn’t seem to change drastically over the course of the year. You’ll notice that Azshara continues its 24/7 display of fall foliage with no sign of winter. Stranglethorn Vale contains, year round, the highest ball-sweat-per-capita. The trolls are oh-so-very proud.

To compensate, the dragons or whoever is in charge of that sort of thing, separate different temperatures into what can only be described as “zones.” Earth’s Alaska might be Borean Tundra in the summer, and Dragonblight in the winter.

Many dwarven scholars have surmised that this is perhaps the reason for there being so many adventurers in Azeroth. The lack of variety in a given region can get quite boring.

Global Warming

Now,  I’m not going to be one of those people that say things like “There is no such thing as Global Warming.” It’s happening. I’ve seen pie charts.

No one knows FOR SURE what’s causing the problem. However, saying it is the gnomes? Pure Horde propaganda. Some think tanks have come up with various explanations:

1. There was the awakening of Ragnaros in molten core, which caused a rather substantial blip of excess heat.
2. Fire became the best specialization for mage DPS.
3. The Black Dragonflight switched from being earth warders to the flight of death, destruction and liquid hot magma.
4. The Dark Iron Dwarves are Azeroth’s second largest air polluters with their forges running non-stop in Searing Gorge.

But, if you want to blame a race… I think the horde has several great options.

1. The orcs have cut down a substantial number of trees in Ashenvale.
2. The forsaken apothecaries are famous for their environmentally unfriendly chemical waste, but ALSO many of their chemical processes have greenhouse gas by-products.
3. Tauren farts contain methane in large amounts. So much so that, as a species, they’re actually one of the leading producers of greenhouse gasses. Kill a tauren, and stop Global Warming.

Yet, all of this pales in comparison to who I, personally, feel is responsible. The most irresponsible race in Azeroth hands down. Literally beating our environment to death with spoons.

What? You can beat things to death with spoons?

Anyway, *Who* is the world’s leading producer of world-melting gasses?

GOBLINS

Those money grubbing opportunists will do anything for a buck, and it’s led them to rape nature at every turn. Gnomish gizmos with environmentally friendly power-cores are nothing compared to the thousands of tons of exhaust that comes from Undermine each year. They stopped their “Smog Alerts” years ago, and have opted for gas masks in most parts of the city.

Anyways, if Sylvanas died and turned into a banshee and then was floating around for awhile before she decided to get her body back, why does she look more nelf/belf than undead with the rottingness? =O

-Jamuna, Forum, 11/19/2008

The Top 5 Reasons Sylvanas Looks Like a Night Elf.

1. Blizzard fucked up. Yes they did. They fucked up. Let’s do it again. Just do the whole game over. EVERYTHING IS RUINED.
2. Necrophiliacs. Several creepy Sylvanas fan boys kept her body ‘well preserved’ for their extracurricular activities.  Wait a second. Arthas was in charge of her corpse… maybe he’s the one who had some fun?
3. Magic. Ho ho ho. You know. Never believe it’s not so. High Elves are very proficient in magic. Sylvanas could have used magic to make some aesthetic improvements when she found her rotting corpse.
4. Alchemy. Forsaken have a bunch of apothecaries in the Undercity. Sylvanas could have ordered them to use their superior alchemy abilities to make an ‘undead youth-en-izing’ cream. Oh come on that was funny. Euthanize? YOUTH-en-ize? WAIT! COME BACK! No more of that… I promise!
5. Or perhaps it went something like this…

*MASSIVE R.P. WARNING* Now, I know how scary the letters “R.P.” are to Warcraft players. Don’t worry. It’s very short. Besides, you don’t have to admit you’ve read this story to your friends. It’ll be between us.

Go ahead. Have a Bite. It’s super yummy. Promise. I won’t tell.

The banshee floated lower into the crypt.

As she scanned the engravings above each resting bed, every so often she would pause at a name familiar to her. Some names were painful to read-staunch reminders of life as a Ranger, forever lost.

A deep voice beaconed 40-feet ahead: “This way, Sylvanas.” The banshee swiftly floated forward.

“I’m surpised you kept it, Arthas.” she mused,” the way you mutilated it before I died… I… I suppose I’m glad it’s still in one piece.”

As they continued down the catacombs, neither noticed the repugnant, stale air. Arthas’s armor clanged loudly as he descended yet each staircase. As he reached the bottom of one, he looked around and stopped.

He pulled out a small piece of parchment from beneath his cloak, and spread it out using both hands. There was a long pause as he stared  at the sheet stretched between his plate gauntlets. Finally, he grunted. “Huh.”

“Huh?” Sylvanas asks.

“I, um… ” Arthas paused. He tilted his head and hands in opposite directions keeping his gaze fixed on the parchment.

“WHAT” Sylvanas demanded.

“I can’t read my handwriting. Does that look like an L or an R to you?”

The banshee begrudgingly moved closer. She squinted at the parchment. “I don’t know what the hell that is…”

Arthas let go of the sheet with his right hand, held it up, and wiggled his fingers violently. “It’s so hard to write with these stupid gloves.” He grew impatient. ”Let’s go right.”

“No, let’s figure out what that travesty of a symbol is. I don’t want to get lost down here. Did they not teach you to write in Paladin school?” Sylvanas snatched the piece of paper. “I just have no clue what your brain was trying to convey with that squiggle. It looks like a drunk trogg tried drawing a rabbit.”

3 hours later.

“This isn’t where I parked your corpse.”

“JUST ADMIT IT. YOU LOST MY BODY.”

“Like, it’s not lost. It’s in here SOMEWHERE. I just don’t know WHERE. I think it’s by a small cluster of skulls by a doorway.”

“There are like EIGHTY of those. You are such a worthless-” Sylvanas stopped yelling. Something accross the room had caught her eye. She passed Arthas, and stopped over a  corpse. It was a svelte, gorgeous elf, recently dead, peacefully resting on a bottom platform.

“Oh my god,” Sylvanas barked. “Is she… PRETTIER than me?”

Arthas looked down at the corpse and back up at Sylvanas.

“I’ll take this one.”

Maybe just a rando question but!
Are there any other possible hero classes?

-Tragik, Forum, 11/20/2008:

In today’s sultry AskAlgorithm, we provide a quick answer first (a quickie), and then allow you to enjoy a lengthy back massage of humor (a longie).

Quickie

1. Yes, there are possible hero classes coming up
2. No, nobody knows what they are (except ceiling cat, and he’ll never tell)

Longie

Now, lay face down, try to relax; I guarantee your muscles will feel great tomorrow morning. The safe word is “Gurubashi”

Design Philosophy

There are many things that Blizzard, the great storm in the sky, has said on the subject. Many moons ago, Blizzard mentioned that they wanted all the classes in Warcraft III to become playable. I don’t know if it’s still true. Blizzard promises don’t last forever, unlike gnome love. Gnome love last forever. Foreva-eva? Forever-ever.

Since those days, we’ve had more direct communication. So, here’s what we know for sure:

• Blizzard said that if they do add another hero class, it won’t be until another expansion.
• Adding classes isn’t easy, and it’s hard to balance. It won’t be a common thing.

Of course, regarding Death Knights… I’m a tinsy bit bitter. People who have played their class for 3 days, are 2 levels under me, and have less than 4/5 of my health don’t TYPICALLY scare me the way Death Knights do.

Rumors

A rumor from an interview with Blizzard’s Jeff Kaplan would have you believe that the new class is going to be an Archdruid. Golden Archdruids reported to have emotes such as “bah bap bah bap bahhhhhh. I’m lovin’ it!” This would make sense for 2 reasons.

• Death Knights were designed to fill a tank role, because there was a tank shortage, and it is reasonable to assume that they’ll do the same with healing in the near future.
• Of the plot lines that are still outstanding in WoW, one of the major ones is the corruption of the Emerald Dream

What’s my guess?

<Whispers to a small lobster> Mr. Pinchy does not know.

Another good question is what armor type will it be? For armor type… There are 3 total cloth/plate classes, but just 2 mail/leather classes. A mail or leather wearer? However, if we’re stil thinking healer, there is exactly 1 healer of each armor type.

So if there is anything you take away from this:

Ceiling cat knows, but he’ll never tell. Mr. Pinchy does not know.

The Wrath of the Lich King’s official site in all its viral marketing glory has some back story we can infer about Frostmourne’s origins. Vastly more information than we’ve ever had before. How much?

Two *FULL* sentences.

I know, I know. It would take you forever to get through that. It took me several hours myself. Fear not.  I’m here to make those two tedious  sentances into just a few paragraphs for you.

Answer: The Lich King  gets his armor and the blade from the Burning Legion.

The Burning Legion, I’m guessing, either made, stole or corrupted Frostmourne. But, what else do we know about the sword? 

Tool of Ner’zhul

1. The spirit of Ner’zhul (Lich King) inhabited the very sword itself.  So, you could say “Arthas was ‘corrupted’ by a ghost’s body weapon.” Kinda homosexual, full of necrophilia, but that’s Arthas.  Strangely, I cannot use MY weapon to control people. I’m considering rerolling Lich King.  
2. The armor that Ner’zhul occupied is described as ancient. ”Ancient” in Warcarft lore is almost always synonymous with powerful/special. “Girls Gone Wild” videos and milk in the fridge make me think that ancient is sometimes bad. Whatever. Let’s just go with it.
3. We also learn Frostmourne can create cupcakes at the whim of the Lich King. If you didn’t get this out of reading the history of Warcraft, it’s time to start studying for those SATs again.

Shamans Seek Sword Swinging or Simply Spell Stats?

As far as shamans getting swords… Will that ever happen?

Let’s ask the Imp In the Ball.

Oh, great imp in a ball, will shamans ever get swords?

<shakes glass ball>

If you wanted to force me to answer questions, you should have rolled a Warlock. I serve no mage. Go hump a refreshment table, gnome.

Hmm… the imp has given us quite an interesting answer. Who knows what that means? It’s like a puzzle. But, that’s how it is with imps in balls.  They give you answers are that are as cryptic as the back of a girl’s bra.

Hmm. I can’t ask again for another 30 seconds. I know! We both can’t wait that long. New plan. Let’s ask Lord Vader!

Vader, will shamans ever get swords?